By Senior Copywriter, D’Anne Witkowski
As the saying goes, candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker. But liquor is also a lot more expensive than candy and, unlike a handful of Skittles or M&Ms, you can’t consume it as you drive. You really shouldn’t, anyway. And we’re all going to need a little something to get us through 2025. After all, Trump takes office in January and it’s all downhill from there. And not in a, “Oh, this is easier than going uphill” way, but in a “Oh, shit, we’re plummeting! There’s nothing to stop our momentum as we head straight toward the abyss!” way.
Let’s face it, anything sweet about 2025 is going to be of your own making via a determined effort to find a bit of light in a very dark world. Remember, though, eating too much candy will rot your teeth, and Republicans will probably take away your dental insurance – that is, if you even have any dental insurance to begin with. Never forget that insurance companies are like, “Teeth! They aren’t part of the body!” and “Eyes are a luxury!” Anyway, the future may be uncertain, but these predictions made based on your favorite candy aren’t! Aren’t uncertain, I mean. They are certain. They are right. They are TRUTH. Abide.
SMARTIES
Unless you’re crushing Smarties up in order to snort them, which is something you should’ve stopped doing in elementary school (or, better, never done in the first place), there’s nothing wrong with loving these little rolls of pastel candies. Did you ever wonder why Smarties are such a popular Halloween treat? It’s because they’re free of gluten, dairy, and peanuts and they’re vegan to boot. In other words, Smarties are okay (and, let’s not get carried away, they’re just okay) for a very diverse group of people with specific needs. Uh, oh. Sounds like one of the world’s most boring candies is actually pretty woke! Just like you.
Sure, you might not be the type to make a big fuss, but you’re deeply concerned about right-wing conservatives trying to ban the teaching of any part of U.S. history that might make white children sad or white parents uncomfortable–like, you know, that this country was built upon the backs of enslaved Black people and that every white person has benefitted in some way from our racist past and currently benefits from our racist present. There’s a reason each roll of Smarties contains a variety of flavors and not just the white ones. And it’s not just because the flavor of the white ones, orange cream, is gross. 2025 is going to see the war on public schools escalate, possibly including the scrapping of the Department of Education. Which means 2025 is your year to run for school board! Or to at least start attending school board meetings. Stay informed. Stay vigilant! Stay smartie!
CADBURY CREME EGGS
Knock-knock. Who’s there? Bird flu. Sorry to be such a bummer, but I can’t help but notice that reports of bird flu are getting more prevalent worldwide, including in Michigan, right as Trump is about to be put in charge again. Thank goodness we set aside partisanship in order to protect public health during the whole COVID-19 thing. Surely we’ve learned from our mistakes, right? Ha. With Trump at the helm, we are in very big trouble if there’s another major public health emergency.
Trump proved himself incompetent in so many ways during his first term, but his handling of the pandemic was I think his shining moment of being inept and ignorant. For those of you who memory-holed the COVID years for your own mental well-being, let me remind you that a lot of people died! All while Trump was saying that COVID-19 would go away like a miracle and making states fight against each other Hunger Games-style for things like masks and those long nose-swabs. 2025 is going to be a bad year for the bird community. Even if there isn’t an outbreak, their reputation will be damaged because everyone will think they are sus. Except for the birds that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs. I’m pretty sure those birds aren’t real.
PAYDAY
The Biden Administration was a pretty good one for unions in the U.S. It seemed like every other headline was about employees at yet another company voting to join a union. Biden calls himself the most pro-union President ever, and while that might be true, things still suck for an awful lot of working people in this country. And with Trump at the helm, chances are they are going to get worse, not better. Republicans are openly hostile to workers’ rights but are pretty good at getting working people to blame immigrants for “stealing” their jobs, rather than the billionaires raking in money off of their hard work. Trump has said publicly that paying overtime is basically for suckers and he has a long history of just not paying people.
Which leads me to the “PayDay Fuels Hard Workers” campaign, a series of limited-edition wrappers that feature various professions they deem “hard workers” such as truck drivers, healthcare workers, and teachers. Hey, who needs a raise when you can just have a candy bar for lunch? Reminds me of the “healthcare heroes” signs planted into the ground everywhere to “honor” healthcare workers who were driven to the brink working long hours during a deadly pandemic without the proper safety equipment. I’ll bet my next paycheck that 2025 is going to have plenty of pro-worker window dressing to try to trick people into believing that Trump gives one single shit about the working class.
WHOPPERS
Look, we’ve all told a lie here or there. But very few of us have told thousands of lies to millions of people like Trump has. It’s astounding that anyone trusts a word that comes out of his mouth, but millions of people do! If you thought that the fight between fact and fiction was already at its nastiest, hold onto your butts for 2025. We ain’t seen nothing yet. If you love the sweet, milky goodness of Whoppers then you’re going to love getting bird flu from raw milk, the beverage of choice for Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Trump's nomination to lead the Department of Health and Human Services.
In case you’re unfamiliar with raw milk, it’s milk that has not been pasteurized, which is when milk is heated in order to kill bacteria and viruses. And that’s apparently bad, because… people want to ingest viruses and bacteria? RFK claims there’s a conspiracy against raw milk and is determined to make it go mainstream. He even wants the CEO of Raw Farm, Mark McAfee, to have a role in the FDA as a “raw milk advisor.” Raw Farm just had to recall a bunch of its raw milk because bird flu was discovered in its unpasteurized depths. It was a voluntary recall, mind you, because the FDA doesn’t actually have the power or capacity to force food producers to keep people safe. RFK not only has some very bizarre ideas about food, he has completely unhinged ideas about vaccines. Let’s definitely put him in charge of our nation’s health. I predict that 2025 will be a year that makes us all puke.
TOOTSIE ROLL
Remember the 1982 film Tootsie, starring Dustin Hoffman as a male actor pretending to be a female actor? As you might imagine, a movie dealing with a man dressing as a woman from the early 80s doesn’t hold up great today. It was, you could say, problematic. “Tootsie,” of course, was something a man at the time might call a woman who works at the same office. And he might slap her in the ass as he says it. “Tootsie,” often shortened to “toots,” is another word for sex worker. Thankfully men never talk to women like that or treat them as less than human any more due to woke. Can you even imagine if, say, the U.S. elected a man as president, for the second time, who has a lifelong record of being a misogynist? I mean, what would that say about our country? I’ll tell you what it says: that women aren’t valued and that men who are steeped in toxic masculinity keep rising to the highest reaches of power so that no one ever forgets it.
It was bad enough that Trump was elected after the “grab ‘em by the pussy” comment, now he’s been found liable for sexual assault and has been accused by too many women to count of sexually assaulting them, too. And with Roe v Wade overturned, women have less power than ever. Across the country, men who hate women and don’t trust them to make their own reproductive decisions are calling the shots. And that’s not going to change any time soon, toots.
RING POP
Ah, yes, the Ring Pop. A confection designed to make you literally slobber on your own hand as you eat it. As you might remember, in 2015 the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that Ring Pops were for everybody and LGBTQ+ people across the country flocked to courthouses and wedding venues to get themselves a taste of that sweet mix of sugar, corn syrup, lactic acid, and sodium lactate. And everybody was happy forever after. Well, except couples who later got divorced regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity. But ladies marrying other ladies did not destroy marriage for straight people as so many homophobes predicted. Still, even with proof that marriage equality does not diminish the institution of marriage nor does it insult the definition of family, the same people who were against it then are still very much against it. And in January those people will be in charge of the entire Federal Government and the U.S. Supreme Court. It’s absolutely in the realm of possibility that marriage equality, just like abortion rights, will be overturned. And now those same folks have their sights set on eradicating transgender people right out of existence. These are scary times, hold tight to your Ring Pops and even tighter to the people you love.
CIRCUS PEANUTS
How to tell me you voted for Trump without telling me you voted for Trump. I mean, of all the candy in the world, you choose Circus Peanuts? On purpose? Even though you already know that Circus Peanuts have a proven track record of being absolutely terrible? I’m sorry, but you’re in a cult.
Bottom line: No matter how 2025 turns out, you’re going to have to work hard to find your own joy, unless mass deportations and demonizing trans people are your thing. Then you’re all set. There’s no reason to pretend that the next four years, at least, are going to be a nonstop whirlwind of awful things. Treat yourself. Before RFK Jr. makes candy illegal.