By Senior Copywriter, D’Anne Witkowski
Where are all my childless withered-crone cat-lady girlies at? No doubt celebrating the presumptive nomination of ONE OF OUR VERY OWN for President of the United States!
In 2021, when convicted felon Donald Trump’s vice president pick J.D. Vance was running for Senate in Ohio, he called Vice President Kamala Harris, U.S. Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg. and U.S. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez “a bunch of childless cat ladies who are miserable at their own lives and the choices that they’ve made and so they want to make the rest of the country miserable, too.”
Vance, who wrote a book that is NOT GREAT, then asked, “How does it make any sense that we’ve turned our country over to people who don’t really have a direct stake in it?”
Now, some people may call this a sexist and homophobic question, but Republicans call it a brave thing to ask! Everyone knows that until and unless you’ve been impregnated by a man or have impregnated a woman you cannot possibly care about anyone other than yourself. This is why it is so important to ban abortion and birth control, make having a miscarriage an offense punishable by prison, and eradicate LGBTQ+ people just to be safe! Which the Republicans absolutely want to do. TO SAVE THE COUNTRY.
Democrats, on the other hand, want to do things like ensure that people have access to the healthcare they need, including abortion and contraception. They want paid family leave, which is what Republicans call paying people to stay home and DO NOTHING just because they are sick and/or dying or a family member is sick and/or dying. Democrats are big on people getting paid a livable wage as well. Won’t someone think of the shareholders!
Democrats also want to stop global warming, saying that an increasing number of severe weather events is a bad thing because it causes illness, death, and destruction that falls hardest on the world’s most vulnerable people. Republicans, on the other hand, say that if Democrats really cared about the poor they would celebrate climate change because it will literally allow some of the poorest people to live on waterfront property. For free. All they have to do is survive major flooding and possibly famine. A true steal.
But back to Vice President Kamala Harris. She has two stepchildren (which makes her a wicked stepmother, obviously) from her husband Douglas Emhoff whom she married in 2014. But clearly Republicans believe that stepchildren aren’t actual children and it is impossible for there to be any love between them and their stepparents. And that’s why no-fault divorce is wicked and should also be banned. Unless Donald Trump does it. Then it’s cool. Sacred, even.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: Wow, this blog seems kind of all over the place. Like the writer has been VERY STRESSED OUT for a VERY LONG TIME because she was worried that the Democrats were somehow going to blow the 2024 election even though it is against a disgraced former president who is wildly unpopular and has an absolutely terrible record on literally everything.
But now, with Harris stepping into the ring of talcum powder left behind when President Joe Biden was raptured from the 2024 campaign, I’m feeling… gosh, I don’t know what to even call this feeling? Hope? A possibility that the future isn’t necessarily totally doomed?
It’s… a weird feeling. I could get used to this, but I definitely don’t want to take it for granted.
I will not get used to the unhinged sexism and racism that has already come spewing forth from Republican mouths as their heads spin fully around and around. But no one ever said that exorcisms – or elections – are easy.
So let’s join together and support the Kamala Coven… Okay, okay, the Kamala Campaign. If we dare. And we do. We most definitely dare. The alternative is a literal horror show that absolutely does not deserve a sequel.
Love,
The Guerrilla Politic