By D’Anne Witkowski, Senior Copywriter
2024 is upon us and, let’s be real, the whole goddamn year is going to be swallowed up by the goddamn Presidential Election and it’s going to be goddamn exhausting. One thing I do know for sure, though, is that making predictions is hard. And if you listen to all of the pundits making predictions about who is going to win in 2024, you’re just torturing yourself. A lot can happen between now and November. Hell, a lot can happen between October and November. So anyone who tells you they know how everything is going to turn out is full of shit. But then there’s me. You should definitely listen to me. Because I have your 2024 all wrapped up. Behold, 2024 predictions based on the top song on your Spotify Wrapped list.
This was the number one song streamed on Spotify in 2023. How does it feel to be in the majority, baby? Does it make you feel invincible or does it make you feel invisible? Rest assured you are neither. But 2024 is about all that you can be. And, no pressure, it is your job to save the United States of America. The first verse of “Flowers” might seem to be setting the stage for a breakup, but what it’s really about is the precarious state of American Democracy: “We were good, we were gold / Kinda dream that can't be sold / We were right 'til we weren't / Built a home and watched it burn.” As someone with decidedly mainstream tastes – and there’s nothing wrong with that! – it strikes me that you likely don’t want to see the United States become a fascist nightmare under Donald Trump or any other Republican who shares his anti-democratic aims (and, spoiler alert, it’s most of them!). So you’ve got to vote. Hold your own hand and gently lead yourself to the polls or to fill out an absentee ballot. Otherwise what you’ll find yourself writing in the sand won’t be your own name. It’ll be more akin to “Help me!”
Taylor Swift for President, 2024! She is definitely more qualified than GOP front-runner Donald Trump because she has both a heart and a brain. The bar should be higher, though. And Swift should use her status to encourage Swifties nationwide to vote in 2024. I know a lot of pop stars say they don’t want to “get political,” but Swift already has. “Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism / Like some kind of congressman? / A tale as old as time,” she sings in “Anti-Hero.” She fully acknowledges that politicians have a bad rep – one they’ve earned! But does that mean you shouldn’t vote? That all politicians are the same? Of course not. Quite the opposite, actually. If you don’t vote, you and Taylor are going to have “Bad Blood.” It’s crucial that you tell Trump “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together,” whether or not he is the nominee (he will be). When it comes to 2024, you need to be a sexy baby, not a monster on a hill. Also, please explain what a “sexy baby” is, because it sounds, um, problematic? But hey, I don’t care if you go to the polls dressed in a diaper and mascara, so long as you vote.
“Somewhere Down the Road” by Barry Manilow
You could have picked any Barry Manilow song. After all, he writes the songs that make the whole world sing. And a worldwide singalong would do us all some good, if you ask me. But which Barry Manilow song makes the most sense for such a thing? Not “Copacabana,” the tale of Lola and Rico, torn apart by “blood and a single gunshot.” Not “Mandy,” a heartsick breakup lament. Not “Bermuda Triangle” and how it “makes people disappear.” The best song is “Somewhere Down the Road,” a song about the future! “Maybe we've only just begun,” Barry croons. “Maybe the best is yet to come.” And Barry would know a thing or two about that. After all, he’s a gay man who spent the majority of his life in the closet while simultaneously making every housewife horny from here to Hoboken. And even after coming out of the closet, the ladies are still swooning and he’s still filling arenas. My prediction is that your 2024 is going to be a lot like that. You’re going to find your true self and people are going to love you for it.
“I Ain’t Worried" by Kidz Bop Kidz
Looking into my crystal ball I can see that you are… either too young to vote, you have kids who commandeered your music selection in 2023, or OneRepublic goes too hard for your tastes. Regardless, you actually should be pretty worried about what the future holds for the kiddos. Because it ain’t great. And listening to a song like “I Ain’t Worried” isn’t doing you any favors. I mean, for one thing, it’s not even a good song. But it’s also a way of sticking your head in the sand. The lyric, “Swimmin' in the floods, dancing on the clouds below” isn’t a metaphor. It’s literally what’s going to happen as we continue to ignore global warming. I mean, the streets are flooded and your response is to swim? Wrong choice. For one thing, that flood water is probably filled with raw sewage, which means that you are probably going to get very sick. And unless you have a boat, good luck getting to urgent care. Oh, wait, never mind, the electricity has been knocked out due to the flood, so no urgent care offices are open. “I'm at my best when I got something I'm wanting to steal,” you say? Well good thing, especially if that something is food and medicine, because you’re going to be duking it out with your neighbors for basic survival. And if you’re still “Way too busy for them problems,” you’re probably a Republican. Thankfully, it’s not too late to change your ways. Yet.
“Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns N’ Roses
To hear Axl Rose tell it, “Welcome to the Jungle” was written upon his arrival to New York after traveling from his hometown of Lafayette, Indiana in his quest to become a rock star. And become a rock star he did. Back in 1987, when this song was released, President Ronald Regan was helping the religious right ascend to new heights of political power, the Stock Market crashed, and The Simpsons debuted on the Tracey Ullman Show. Granted, things are totally different now. Oh, wait. The religious right has an even tighter stranglehold on the Republican Party, the Stock Market is still totally volatile and a bad indicator of how the economy is working for everyday people, and The Simpsons is now the longest-running American sitcom currently in its 35th season. Well, as they say, the more things change, the more they stay the same. And “Welcome to the Jungle” is evergreen when it comes to explaining what it's like to try to survive in the United States: “If you want it you're going to bleed, but it's the price you pay,” as Axl puts it. Then, later, he sings, “You can have anything you want, but you better not take it from me.” They say that those who don’t learn from the past are doomed to repeat it. Unfortunately, Americans are, uh, not great at learning from the past. But, hey, maybe 2024 will be the year it finally happens!
“Jolene” (or any other song) by Dolly Parton
Don’t you worry about the future, sweetie. You’re doing everything right.
Bottom line: No matter how 2024 turns out, music will help to make it better. That said, Spotify hardly pays artists anything for the music you stream, and pays nothing at all if a song is under 1,000 streams. So if you really love a band, especially if it’s one that isn’t raking it in like the ones on this list, buy the album, buy a t-shirt, go to the concert. My dad always said that if you love something, you need to support it so that it continues to exist. That goes for music, but it also goes for democracy as we know it. So headphones up and rock out with your ballot out.