By D’Anne Witkowski (not a doctor, not even a lady doctor)
It has been a very, very long year. And although we’re still in the midst of a pandemic that has killed over 500,000 people in the U.S. (not to mention the number of dead the world over), there is a light at the end of this very long and narrow and poorly ventilated tunnel. President Biden announced that the estimate for getting the COVID-19 vaccine to all American adults is May! Well, stick a needle in my arm and call me a Spring shower!
Despite the dominance of COVID-19 in the news, we here at Guerrilla Politic would be remiss if we didn’t make a public service announcement about another ailment that has been raging largely unchecked throughout this country since (checks history books) forever, especially during Women’s History Month.
This ailment is tasteless, in every sense of that word, but not completely invisible. While there is no vaccine for it, studies have shown that the conditions in which a child is raised make a real difference in how severe this condition becomes. There is no scientific test for its presence, but it is no doubt something that everyone is afflicted with to varying degrees.
Some mistakenly think that men benefit from this condition, but ultimately they do not. Women are the most likely to be hurt personally and professionally, but they, too, can be vehicles of transmission. Transgender and non-binary people, unfortunately, have severe reactions that do tremendous harm.
I am, of course, talking about The Patriarchy. This condition is in large part responsible for these other conditions and makes them worse: sexism, homophobia, anti-LGBTQ bias, misogyny, toxic masculinity, Trumpism, and Republicans.
Early detection is the best way to treat The Patriarchy. Answering the following questions can help you determine how far along you are in the course of your Patriarchy.
Do you believe that women cannot be President of the United States because they are too emotional?
Do you think that lawmakers working to get rid of the so-called tampon tax is a frivolous endeavor that proves only men should be in government?
Does listening to a woman talk make your skin crawl?
When a woman who is in charge, say as a governor of a state surrounded by the Great Lakes, uses her power to make decisions, do your testicles disappear and/or shrivel up and/or become numb? If you do not have testicles, other reactions include exasperated sighing, teeth clenching, and voting Republican.
Do you think Trump was America’s Greatest President? If not the greatest, do you think he was in any way qualified or in any way deserved the position?
When someone asks you what your preferred pronouns are do you scream at them, “Do I look CONFUSED to you?”
Do you ever ask, out loud or in your head, “How come there isn’t a MAN’S history month?”
Do you ever ask, out loud or in your head, “How come there isn’t a STRAIGHT pride parade?”
Do you ever say, out loud or in your head, “There are only two genders?”
Do you ever say, out loud or in your head, “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve?”
Do you refer to a woman who is a doctor as a “lady doctor?” Furthermore, do you roll your eyes at the fact that the First Lady refers to herself as “Dr. Jill Biden” even though she has never performed an appendectomy?
Do you think slapping your co-worker on the butt, telling her you can see her bra, and hinting that you want to have sex with her are just examples of harmless fun and women need to lighten up?
Do you refer to neutered dogs as “it?”
Do you think a pregnant woman whom you have never met and do not know should need to ask your permission to have an abortion?
Do you think that women should be forced to carry all pregnancies to term no matter what even if there is no possible chance that the baby will be born alive resulting in a visibly pregnant woman getting asked over and over “When are you due?” by strangers touching her belly at the supermarket?
Does the word vagina make you feel upset?
Does it make sense AT ALL that when a man takes his shirt off in public it’s no big deal, but when a woman does it is considered indecent?
Same question as above but for shaving legs and armpits?
Do you use the term “for a girl,” as in, Megan Rapinoe plays soccer pretty good for a girl?
Do you believe that there is a “homosexual agenda” that includes recruiting children to join Team Gay? Do you believe Drag Queen Story Hour is an example of this?
Do you insist on calling someone who has said they use “they/them” pronouns “he” or “she” depending on what gender you personally believe they actually are?
Does not being able to tell whether someone is male or female make you feel deeply uncomfortable and personally affronted?
Is there shame in asking for help?
If you answered “yes” to one or more of the above questions you definitely have The Patriarchy somewhere within you. If you answered “yes” to the majority of the above questions then please go to therapy. You really need therapy. You are not okay. Seriously. There’s no shame in asking for help. Yes, I know that was the last question and that you answered yes, but the correct answer is no. Yes, I know it’s subjective. Yes, I… Okay, but… I understand and… But… Please stop interrupt… SIGH. I give up.