By Madame D’Anne Witkowski, soothsayer to the stars
There are few things that most people agree about, but as divisive as 2020 has been it has also brought everyone together to declare, “Wow. 2020 sure sucked.”
This means that 2021 has great potential! To be even better. Or worse. The bar has been set very low. But if 2020 has taught us anything, it’s that we can always go lower. But when 2020 goes low, 2021 goes high! Or gets high. I can never remember.
Here’s what’s in store for you for 2021. No take-backs.
CAPRICORN December 22—January 19
On Dec. 31 you will have your last nightmare about stolen ballots being dumped into a river. No longer will you wake up sweaty and panting with vague memories of fishing a Hefty Cinch Sak out of the water as you passed by on a pontoon boat. Gone will be the image of dumping this bag out on the deck only to find it filled with “Trump ballots,” which are really a few dozen grease-stained McDonald’s bags with “Turmp” written on them in black Sharpie because he can’t even spell his own name. Starting at 12:01 a.m. on Jan. 1 you will dream that Joe Biden pulls up next to you in a blue 1958 Bel Air Impala convertible and offers you a ride. And you will say yes.
AQUARIUS January 20—February 18
My advice to you, Aquarius, is that Valentine’s Day candy always goes on sale after Valentine’s Day. In fact, Hersey’s Kisses wrapped in red, white, and green foil are likely to be even cheaper if you can find them this time of year. What I’m saying is that you don’t have to follow anyone’s timeline when it comes to finding love or discount chocolates. Be good to yourself on the cheap. It feels the same. Use the money you save to donate to a progressive campaign or a cause you believe in because Trump is still telling everyone he won the election and your Aunt Marybeth believes him.
PISCES February 19—March 20
After spending a good portion of your life as a pescatarian, you’re going vegan! Now you just have to learn how to NOT be insufferable. This is great training for your near-future campaign for public office. You think eating meat is wrong, but you need meat-eating people to vote for you! Can you stick to your principles without painting a large swath of the voting population as blood-thirsty murderers? This definitely legitimate horoscope writer thinks you can do it and will donate a dollar to your campaign.
ARIES March 21—April 19
You will soon become aware of a financial matter that will likely be in excess of $750. You will be legally obligated to pay this bill, yet you will not be able to get an itemized list of what these funds will be used for. Fortunately, you can rest assured that it’s probably a lot less golfing by the occupant of the White House.
TAURUS April 20—May 20
Prepare yourself. You and your partner are going to have a mild disagreement about politics and by politics, I mean your brother-in-law and the asinine things he’s been posting on Facebook that basically soft-pedal fascism. If you don’t have a partner then you’ll be disagreeing with yourself and the person posting on Facebook will be an acquaintance from high school. Regardless, the point is to stop spending so much time on Facebook because there is no vaccine against stupidity, and even if there was such a vaccine, the people who would need to take it would not only refuse, but they would also post their refusal on Facebook.
GEMINI May 21—June 20
At Cedar Pointe, an amusement park in Ohio, there’s a ride called Gemini which is described on the park’s website as, “A high-speed roller coaster with a combination of high speed banked turns, airtime humps, and rapid directional changes.” They also include this grammatically dubious claim: “No matter the day’s horoscope, riders will feel the twin cars [sic] energetic and quick-witted personalities thrive as they ride racing for the win.” I get that it’s “twin cars” because Gemini is the twin horoscope. But what I don’t understand is this “quick-witted personalities” business. They are roller coaster cars. They are not sentient. But you, Gemini, are sentient, and your year is going to be full of high-speed turns, airtime humps, and directional changes, but in a “what a thrill!” way as opposed to 2020’s “we’re all gonna die” way.
CANCER June 21—July 22
Fun fact: there are 4,500 crab species in existence. Crabs have 10 legs. The largest crab, the Japanese Spider Crab, has a leg span of 12 feet. I think you know where I am going with this. 4,500 divided by 10 is 450. Add 12 and you’ve got 462. Joe Biden was born in 1942 and Kamala Harris was born in 1964. When you add 1942 and 1964 you get 3,906. Add in 462 and we’re up to 4,368. The difference between that and the number of crab species? 132, which is the number of therapy sessions the average person will need to mitigate the psychic and emotional damage done by the Trump Administration.
LEO July 23—August 22
Have you ever looked at a house cat and thought to yourself, “If this animal were bigger, they would no doubt kill and eat me?” That’s how I want you to look at yourself in 2021. 2020 may have tried to chew you up and spit you out, but you managed to survive with only flesh wounds and are ready to kick 2021 in the teeth. Or give it a hug. I don’t know your life. You’ll need to keep both your claws and your purrs at the ready this year and choose wisely between attacking and soothing. And if you’re more of a dog person, then create your own analogy and make 2021 the year you start doing more for yourself.
VIRGO August 23—September 22
At the time I am writing this Judas Priest, King Diamond, Mercyful Fate, Mastodon, Ghost, Doro, Megadeth, Saxon, Metallica, Baroness, Iron Maiden, Ozzy Osbourne, Sanctuary, Overkill, Alien Weaponry, Diamond Head, and Sacred Reich are reportedly working on new music or releasing new music in 2021. In other words, 2021 is going to be a great year for metal music. But probably not yet for metal concerts because Republicans completely botched the COVID-19 outbreak. You need more metal, fewer Republicans in your life.
LIBRA September 23—October 22
Do you remember that episode of Saved By the Bell when Jessie gets addicted to caffeine pills and has a nervous breakdown that includes singing part of “I’m So Excited” by The Pointer Sisters? And how Zack has to physically restrain her from taking more pills and then she collapses onto his shoulder and admits that she’s scared and they hold each other for a bit before talking about sneaking out to see E.T. when they were kids as if they aren’t still actual children? This has nothing to do with your horoscope, I was just thinking about this for some reason. Actually, scratch that. Your horoscope: Fewer drugs, more hugs in 2021. This will depend largely on the success of COVID-19 vaccine distribution, of course.
SCORPIO October 23—November 21
The Beatles sang, “All you need is love,” and they weren’t wrong! But they also weren’t right. I mean, life seems pointless without love and all, but you can’t pay your electric bill with a heart emoji, amirite? This is a reminder that you care about people other than yourself and that’s a radical position to take these days. So hooray for you! But before things get too crazy with the holidays, take the time to pick up the phone and call someone you love and tell them that you love them. Or text them if you’re a coward.
SAGITTARIUS November 22—December 21
Oh, the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful unless you’re in California where we have seen the horrific destruction wrought by wildfires over the years. In other words, climate change is real. Science is real. Reality is real. Sure, your birthday signals that the end of another year is near, but that doesn’t make climate change deniers any less dangerous, does it? Of course not. Once you’ve finished your cake, go on a carbon footprint diet. Take steps to make your life greener. And for the love of everything, vote for leaders who see the entire earth going up in a giant fireball as an emergency. Also, get some exercise and eat green vegetables while we still have an earth that can sustain them.