2020 Sucked. Here are Your Horoscopes for 2021.

By Madame D’Anne Witkowski, soothsayer to the stars

There are few things that most people agree about, but as divisive as 2020 has been it has also brought everyone together to declare, “Wow. 2020 sure sucked.”

This means that 2021 has great potential! To be even better. Or worse. The bar has been set very low. But if 2020 has taught us anything, it’s that we can always go lower. But when 2020 goes low, 2021 goes high! Or gets high. I can never remember.

Here’s what’s in store for you for 2021. No take-backs.

How the Democrats became the “lesser of two evils” instead of the “Party of the People.”

Congratulations to President-Elect Joe Biden on giving America a reprieve from being gaslit 3x an hour on Twitter for the next four years, and to Vice President-Elect Kamala Harris for making history (in so many ways!) #thefirstbutnotthelast. To the rest of the Democratic National Committee? Well, let’s just say that if there was a greeting card for “narrowly winning an election against literally the worst person on Earth and then completely screwing up almost everywhere else,” that’s the one they’d all be getting. You see, it’s possible that 47% of American voters chose Trump because they, too, are sociopathic bullies with a penchant for white supremacy. But I think it’s simpler than that: We’re a divided party as it is, but we can’t even “fake it ‘til we make it'' to the White House because our messaging is even worse.

We the People Must Demand Consequences

On a typical Electoral College voting day, a group of diligent American electors meet to formally cast ballots for the president the people have chosen. But, of course, nothing has been typical about 2020. The trend continued yesterday as “credible threats” closed the Michigan Capitol and threatened to derail an already excruciating election process marked by Trump’s refusal to concede and his ever-evolving Twitter melodrama. Sigh. Is it over yet?